Addicted

I touched you once, now it’s too late to turn back
You lured me in, now I can’t keep track
The days are blurred, my mind is weak
I can’t think straight. It’s you that I seek
Addicted to you. You give me life, you make me whole
I need you now. I relinquish all control
How did I get here? Is it too late to make it right?
I can’t give up now. But I’m too weak to fight
Powerless against your devious charm
I believed in you. You could do no harm
I’m lost in you. Can’t find my way out
I push back. I cry. I scream. I shout
I am all alone. No one can hear
I begin to tremble. It’s you that I fear
Will I ever find the will to overcome your hold?
I reach for friends, someone to help, I fold
I collapse. Falling deep back into your ploy
I’ve lost it all. I feel only pain, no joy
My friends and family have left me to you
You are all that I have. My only truth
It’s hard to imagine what my life used to be
Before you came, before you got a hold of me
How do I get back? Back to that life
Before this internal struggle, before this strife

The battle will not be easy, but I must engage
My life is filled with disappointment and rage
I take you on. It’s you against me
In the fight for my life. I must set myself free
Free of you, of your grasp, of your power
This is my last chance. My final hour
Addicted to you. I shall live this way no longer
I can conquer you. I can be stronger
It may be hard but it’s something I must do
Succeed in getting over you
And so I resist you, resist your temptation
My body is confused, filled with frustration
It won’t be long until you’re out of my system
And I’m back to my life, back to my rhythm

I’m rid of you, rid of your poison, your bane
On my way to recovery, I can’t stop this train
I can’t, I won’t – You won’t get to me now
I can see right through you, I can see how
You’ll lure me back in but I’ll fight back
No matter how strongly you try to attack
I’m stronger now, I control my own mind
I now know what I needed to find
My thoughts, my life – I’m finally free
Without you, I can finally be me

Heaven seems so far away

Some days heaven seems so far away. It's like you were never real. I can remember you but I can't feel you. I imagine the way it felt to hold your hand. I try to hear your voice in my head. I close my eyes and imagine the way you smelled. That strong scent. It smelled of security - knowing my dad was near. I try to talk to you but I only feel empty. I don't want the days to go by because it feels like I keep getting further from you. Making memories without you. Our family feels incomplete. Sometimes I just wish we could have one more day. I'd listen to your stories and record you telling them so I could play them over and over again when you were gone. I'd take all the hugs I could get. I'd make you dance with mom around the living room and I'd get it all on video so I could watch it on repeat. I would tell you what an incredible father you are and how I couldn't have asked for anyone better. And I would tell you everything about my life - what I was going to do, my future children, my future homes, my planned adventures.And how you could let me know you are here with me, even when you are so far away.

See you again...

There were only a few times in my life that I saw my dad cry. And I recall each of them vividly, especially the time I saw him crying one day. I was young - in my preteens to be exact. So I was inquisitive. He sighed, leg crossed over the other, wiped his eyes and almost woefully told me that it was the anniversary of his father's passing.

I never did get to meet my grandpa. He passed before I was born. It was hard for me to understand, especially at my age, the amount of pain my dad was feeling on that day. I never imagined (even though it's usually the evolution of things) that I would one day understand that pain. At that time, it had been more than a decade since my grandpa's passing. But, I know now, that time has no meaning when it comes to the pain you feel when you lose someone who was such an immense part of your life.

Today, January 5, was my grandpa's birthday. A day that my dad always looked a little wistful and had a certain sadness in his eyes. Unfortunately, I now know that feeling and – Dad – I hope you are up there somewhere enjoying your father’s company once more. And I know that –while I hope I have a long and happy life here on Earth – I still look forward to the day that I can see you again and meet your dad for the first time.