Love, your little girl

Dad,

The last three months haven't been easy. Welcoming my daughter into this world without you here was heartbreaking. But, this weekend, visiting home for the first time without you there, it finally felt real that you'll never get to meet her. That she'll never get to meet you. She'll never have you squeeze her "porkies." Never watch you dance to your favorite songs in the car or sing along to the classic motown hits. She'll never get to root on the Yankees with her Grandpa. Or challenge you to a bet over a Cowboys and Giants game. You'll never get the chance to make her chuckle. To buy her roses at her first recital. Or to be there for her when she thinks her mom has gone crazy.

But it also makes me sad to know you aren't here to see mom be the most amazing grandmother. And Tianna be the most loving aunt. To watch how Tiffany raises Kieran to be a playful and caring cousin. Or to see me be a mom to a beautiful and incredible little girl.

I have to remind myself that it's possible your watching over us. Tianna even tells me your around me all the time. Around all of us. I hope that's true. Because we could all use an angel. Especially an angel like you.

Words aren't enough to express how much I miss you, Dad. But somehow, sometimes, they help me. And I hope that one day she can read my words and hear my stories and she'll know just how special you were. How special you are.

I love you always and forever, Dad.

Love, your little girl.

One week...

Your beautiful granddaughter is one week old today and while I'm so sad that you aren't here to hold her, kiss her, love her...I am so thankful that I am.

I know you were watching over me one week ago today. The experience of giving birth was incredible (and a little painful) and something only a mother can understand. When they handed her to me and she laid on my chest for the first time, those big beautiful eyes stared back at me and I could see myself in her but, more importantly, I could see you.

I didn't realize that moments later, with mom by my side, I would come so close to never being able to stare into those eyes again. But I knew you were there. Watching over me. Making sure I would be alright. And as the light faded in and out, I spoke to you and, for the first time in two and a half years, I knew - I mean truly knew - you were with me.

I don't even know how much time passed before I woke up and I finally was able to hold her again. She slept peacefully in my arms and I cried. Grateful to be able to cherish those moments with her and grateful to have the most amazing angel watching over us.

It's been awhile

It's been awhile. I've had so much on my mind over the last nine months. From that night I found out I was going to become a mom and every day since then. And now, as I sit in the hospital awaiting the birthing process to truly begin, your picture by my side, it's really real that you aren't here. I remember the excitement the day you became a grandpa when my handsome little nephew was born. And the look in your eyes the first time you saw his face. And it makes me sad that you aren't here to meet my sweet little Chloe. You were the most amazing dad. And I know you would have made the most incredible grandpa.