Nothing can fill the hole in my heart and I miss him more and more each day. I haven't even begun to accept that I'll never again have a conversation with him. I can't call him to tell him about my day. His wisdom about life. His advice. His love. All things that I'm not sure how I'll live without.
So while many of my friends and family were there when we unwillingly said our last goodbyes to my dad, I realized I never posted my words from that day and I thought it might help me, as it always does, to just get it out there again.
Sometimes life is not fair. I've learned that this is the case more often than not. Sometimes things don't happen the way we've planned. Sometimes things just happen.
My dad always told me, mind over matter. If I didn't mind, it didn't matter. Well, dad, I don't think that works this time. You went too quickly. Too young. We truly weren't ready for this incredibly heartbreaking loss. This devastation that will forever change our lives. My life.
My father was a tremendous man and anyone who knew him would say no different.
To me, my dad was so many things.
When I was a child he was my hero. He could unlock the car without touching it. He could change the stoplight from red to green with a snap of his fingers. He was best buddies with Santa. And he was my biggest cheerleader.
And even after I learned about key-less entry car remotes, the technology in streetlights at intersections and the truth about Santa, he was still my protector. Always looking out for me and making sure no boys were going to break my heart. And after I learned that no man was going to be good enough for me in my dad's eyes, at least then, he was still my mentor. Showing me what it meant to work hard to get what you want out of life and helping me to make my own decisions to become the person I wanted to be.
And just when I thought I'd seen all of the roles this remarkable man would play in my life, he became something to me that I didn't know he could be, he became my friend.
It seems that each time I think about him, I remember something new that I'm going to miss about him.
Rocking out to The Temptations and the Four Tops in his car.
Him quoting Abbott and Costello bits as though it was some sort of astute piece of advice.
Him telling me I've outdone myself on my Sunday sauce.
His fashion advice before work in the morning.
Listening to him give my husband a hard time about being a Cowboys fan.
Listening to his great stories.
And his quick quips.
But, most of all, I'm going to miss his unconditional love. His never ending support. And his big hugs.
It is so hard to believe he's really gone. In fact, when I think about the loss of this great man, my father, I have this immense fear. How am I supposed to live my life without this man who I've depended on for the last nearly 30 years? There are so many things I still needed from him. Things I wanted to show him. Life experiences and moments that I wanted him to be there for. But I know deep down, that one day, maybe even soon, I'll be able to think of him and instead of tears, I'll be able to smile. To remember the incredible man that was my father. And I know that I'll be ok.
Because this man, my father. This incredibly strong, smart and loving man, taught me, by example, how to stand on my own. How to be my own person. How to work hard. How to love. How to survive. And I know that, even thought he can't really be here to teach me the rest of life's lessons, to guide me or to just give me one of his big bear hugs or a big smooch on my cheek, I know he will always be beside me.
My dad taught me so much about life. And now, I must continue to live my life remembering each of those things and hoping one day to be at least half the person that he was.
Dad, there are so many things I wish I could say to you right now. But, for now, I just need to tell you that we'll be ok. We'll smile again. We'll laugh. We'll remember. We'll survive. But not without thinking of you every second. Not without doing it in your honor. I love you.
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