Love, your little girl

Dad,

The last three months haven't been easy. Welcoming my daughter into this world without you here was heartbreaking. But, this weekend, visiting home for the first time without you there, it finally felt real that you'll never get to meet her. That she'll never get to meet you. She'll never have you squeeze her "porkies." Never watch you dance to your favorite songs in the car or sing along to the classic motown hits. She'll never get to root on the Yankees with her Grandpa. Or challenge you to a bet over a Cowboys and Giants game. You'll never get the chance to make her chuckle. To buy her roses at her first recital. Or to be there for her when she thinks her mom has gone crazy.

But it also makes me sad to know you aren't here to see mom be the most amazing grandmother. And Tianna be the most loving aunt. To watch how Tiffany raises Kieran to be a playful and caring cousin. Or to see me be a mom to a beautiful and incredible little girl.

I have to remind myself that it's possible your watching over us. Tianna even tells me your around me all the time. Around all of us. I hope that's true. Because we could all use an angel. Especially an angel like you.

Words aren't enough to express how much I miss you, Dad. But somehow, sometimes, they help me. And I hope that one day she can read my words and hear my stories and she'll know just how special you were. How special you are.

I love you always and forever, Dad.

Love, your little girl.

One week...

Your beautiful granddaughter is one week old today and while I'm so sad that you aren't here to hold her, kiss her, love her...I am so thankful that I am.

I know you were watching over me one week ago today. The experience of giving birth was incredible (and a little painful) and something only a mother can understand. When they handed her to me and she laid on my chest for the first time, those big beautiful eyes stared back at me and I could see myself in her but, more importantly, I could see you.

I didn't realize that moments later, with mom by my side, I would come so close to never being able to stare into those eyes again. But I knew you were there. Watching over me. Making sure I would be alright. And as the light faded in and out, I spoke to you and, for the first time in two and a half years, I knew - I mean truly knew - you were with me.

I don't even know how much time passed before I woke up and I finally was able to hold her again. She slept peacefully in my arms and I cried. Grateful to be able to cherish those moments with her and grateful to have the most amazing angel watching over us.

It's been awhile

It's been awhile. I've had so much on my mind over the last nine months. From that night I found out I was going to become a mom and every day since then. And now, as I sit in the hospital awaiting the birthing process to truly begin, your picture by my side, it's really real that you aren't here. I remember the excitement the day you became a grandpa when my handsome little nephew was born. And the look in your eyes the first time you saw his face. And it makes me sad that you aren't here to meet my sweet little Chloe. You were the most amazing dad. And I know you would have made the most incredible grandpa.

Addicted

I touched you once, now it’s too late to turn back
You lured me in, now I can’t keep track
The days are blurred, my mind is weak
I can’t think straight. It’s you that I seek
Addicted to you. You give me life, you make me whole
I need you now. I relinquish all control
How did I get here? Is it too late to make it right?
I can’t give up now. But I’m too weak to fight
Powerless against your devious charm
I believed in you. You could do no harm
I’m lost in you. Can’t find my way out
I push back. I cry. I scream. I shout
I am all alone. No one can hear
I begin to tremble. It’s you that I fear
Will I ever find the will to overcome your hold?
I reach for friends, someone to help, I fold
I collapse. Falling deep back into your ploy
I’ve lost it all. I feel only pain, no joy
My friends and family have left me to you
You are all that I have. My only truth
It’s hard to imagine what my life used to be
Before you came, before you got a hold of me
How do I get back? Back to that life
Before this internal struggle, before this strife

The battle will not be easy, but I must engage
My life is filled with disappointment and rage
I take you on. It’s you against me
In the fight for my life. I must set myself free
Free of you, of your grasp, of your power
This is my last chance. My final hour
Addicted to you. I shall live this way no longer
I can conquer you. I can be stronger
It may be hard but it’s something I must do
Succeed in getting over you
And so I resist you, resist your temptation
My body is confused, filled with frustration
It won’t be long until you’re out of my system
And I’m back to my life, back to my rhythm

I’m rid of you, rid of your poison, your bane
On my way to recovery, I can’t stop this train
I can’t, I won’t – You won’t get to me now
I can see right through you, I can see how
You’ll lure me back in but I’ll fight back
No matter how strongly you try to attack
I’m stronger now, I control my own mind
I now know what I needed to find
My thoughts, my life – I’m finally free
Without you, I can finally be me

Heaven seems so far away

Some days heaven seems so far away. It's like you were never real. I can remember you but I can't feel you. I imagine the way it felt to hold your hand. I try to hear your voice in my head. I close my eyes and imagine the way you smelled. That strong scent. It smelled of security - knowing my dad was near. I try to talk to you but I only feel empty. I don't want the days to go by because it feels like I keep getting further from you. Making memories without you. Our family feels incomplete. Sometimes I just wish we could have one more day. I'd listen to your stories and record you telling them so I could play them over and over again when you were gone. I'd take all the hugs I could get. I'd make you dance with mom around the living room and I'd get it all on video so I could watch it on repeat. I would tell you what an incredible father you are and how I couldn't have asked for anyone better. And I would tell you everything about my life - what I was going to do, my future children, my future homes, my planned adventures.And how you could let me know you are here with me, even when you are so far away.

See you again...

There were only a few times in my life that I saw my dad cry. And I recall each of them vividly, especially the time I saw him crying one day. I was young - in my preteens to be exact. So I was inquisitive. He sighed, leg crossed over the other, wiped his eyes and almost woefully told me that it was the anniversary of his father's passing.

I never did get to meet my grandpa. He passed before I was born. It was hard for me to understand, especially at my age, the amount of pain my dad was feeling on that day. I never imagined (even though it's usually the evolution of things) that I would one day understand that pain. At that time, it had been more than a decade since my grandpa's passing. But, I know now, that time has no meaning when it comes to the pain you feel when you lose someone who was such an immense part of your life.

Today, January 5, was my grandpa's birthday. A day that my dad always looked a little wistful and had a certain sadness in his eyes. Unfortunately, I now know that feeling and – Dad – I hope you are up there somewhere enjoying your father’s company once more. And I know that –while I hope I have a long and happy life here on Earth – I still look forward to the day that I can see you again and meet your dad for the first time.

Thoughts of you

I see a man walk by, her little hand in his and I realize I'll never again have the comfort of my hand in yours letting me know the world will be alright. 

Sometimes my life seems lost without you.

I knew the day would come – the day that I would lose you – but I didn't think it would come so soon.

Too often the pain is so unbearable, digging deeper, until it feels like a cavernous hole in my heart.

Some days I can't explain it but I miss you even more. I can imagine exactly how you'd be sitting on the couch, exactly what you'd say to me in a certain situation or just see the expression on your face.

It doesn't matter how fast or how slow the days go. Because none of those days bring you back.

I always imagined all these great moments in my life that some way, some how, include you.

Sometimes it feels like I just haven't seen you in awhile. Maybe living away from home for too long makes it seem like that could be possible. But then I remember that you're never coming back and I hold back my tears because the world expects life to just go on. So many emotions I can't express. Thoughts I have to fight back. Because if I only think of you, I feel immobile. My body and my brain. All consumed with the pain I feel inside. The pain I hide each day. In every moment. In every thought.

Perhaps it would be better to imagine your only just not here. Right beside me. But the yearning I have to hear your voice, the need to have you wrap me in those heroic and influential arms. The want to look you in the eyes and thank you for being more wonderful than you ever knew you were.

The world seems so dark without you. So empty. So meaningless. And each day I'm losing hope that I'll ever truly be happy again.

I wish I could just tell you about my day. It's so often I tell stories about you. How you inspired me. Helped me through a hard time. Or just helped me see what I could be. Live up to my potential.

I could never fathom losing you. I had no idea the amount of immense pain I would feel. The happy memories that would become something I couldn't shake.