It's been awhile

It's been awhile. I've had so much on my mind over the last nine months. From that night I found out I was going to become a mom and every day since then. And now, as I sit in the hospital awaiting the birthing process to truly begin, your picture by my side, it's really real that you aren't here. I remember the excitement the day you became a grandpa when my handsome little nephew was born. And the look in your eyes the first time you saw his face. And it makes me sad that you aren't here to meet my sweet little Chloe. You were the most amazing dad. And I know you would have made the most incredible grandpa.

Addicted

I touched you once, now it’s too late to turn back
You lured me in, now I can’t keep track
The days are blurred, my mind is weak
I can’t think straight. It’s you that I seek
Addicted to you. You give me life, you make me whole
I need you now. I relinquish all control
How did I get here? Is it too late to make it right?
I can’t give up now. But I’m too weak to fight
Powerless against your devious charm
I believed in you. You could do no harm
I’m lost in you. Can’t find my way out
I push back. I cry. I scream. I shout
I am all alone. No one can hear
I begin to tremble. It’s you that I fear
Will I ever find the will to overcome your hold?
I reach for friends, someone to help, I fold
I collapse. Falling deep back into your ploy
I’ve lost it all. I feel only pain, no joy
My friends and family have left me to you
You are all that I have. My only truth
It’s hard to imagine what my life used to be
Before you came, before you got a hold of me
How do I get back? Back to that life
Before this internal struggle, before this strife

The battle will not be easy, but I must engage
My life is filled with disappointment and rage
I take you on. It’s you against me
In the fight for my life. I must set myself free
Free of you, of your grasp, of your power
This is my last chance. My final hour
Addicted to you. I shall live this way no longer
I can conquer you. I can be stronger
It may be hard but it’s something I must do
Succeed in getting over you
And so I resist you, resist your temptation
My body is confused, filled with frustration
It won’t be long until you’re out of my system
And I’m back to my life, back to my rhythm

I’m rid of you, rid of your poison, your bane
On my way to recovery, I can’t stop this train
I can’t, I won’t – You won’t get to me now
I can see right through you, I can see how
You’ll lure me back in but I’ll fight back
No matter how strongly you try to attack
I’m stronger now, I control my own mind
I now know what I needed to find
My thoughts, my life – I’m finally free
Without you, I can finally be me

Heaven seems so far away

Some days heaven seems so far away. It's like you were never real. I can remember you but I can't feel you. I imagine the way it felt to hold your hand. I try to hear your voice in my head. I close my eyes and imagine the way you smelled. That strong scent. It smelled of security - knowing my dad was near. I try to talk to you but I only feel empty. I don't want the days to go by because it feels like I keep getting further from you. Making memories without you. Our family feels incomplete. Sometimes I just wish we could have one more day. I'd listen to your stories and record you telling them so I could play them over and over again when you were gone. I'd take all the hugs I could get. I'd make you dance with mom around the living room and I'd get it all on video so I could watch it on repeat. I would tell you what an incredible father you are and how I couldn't have asked for anyone better. And I would tell you everything about my life - what I was going to do, my future children, my future homes, my planned adventures.And how you could let me know you are here with me, even when you are so far away.

See you again...

There were only a few times in my life that I saw my dad cry. And I recall each of them vividly, especially the time I saw him crying one day. I was young - in my preteens to be exact. So I was inquisitive. He sighed, leg crossed over the other, wiped his eyes and almost woefully told me that it was the anniversary of his father's passing.

I never did get to meet my grandpa. He passed before I was born. It was hard for me to understand, especially at my age, the amount of pain my dad was feeling on that day. I never imagined (even though it's usually the evolution of things) that I would one day understand that pain. At that time, it had been more than a decade since my grandpa's passing. But, I know now, that time has no meaning when it comes to the pain you feel when you lose someone who was such an immense part of your life.

Today, January 5, was my grandpa's birthday. A day that my dad always looked a little wistful and had a certain sadness in his eyes. Unfortunately, I now know that feeling and – Dad – I hope you are up there somewhere enjoying your father’s company once more. And I know that –while I hope I have a long and happy life here on Earth – I still look forward to the day that I can see you again and meet your dad for the first time.

Thoughts of you

I see a man walk by, her little hand in his and I realize I'll never again have the comfort of my hand in yours letting me know the world will be alright. 

Sometimes my life seems lost without you.

I knew the day would come – the day that I would lose you – but I didn't think it would come so soon.

Too often the pain is so unbearable, digging deeper, until it feels like a cavernous hole in my heart.

Some days I can't explain it but I miss you even more. I can imagine exactly how you'd be sitting on the couch, exactly what you'd say to me in a certain situation or just see the expression on your face.

It doesn't matter how fast or how slow the days go. Because none of those days bring you back.

I always imagined all these great moments in my life that some way, some how, include you.

Sometimes it feels like I just haven't seen you in awhile. Maybe living away from home for too long makes it seem like that could be possible. But then I remember that you're never coming back and I hold back my tears because the world expects life to just go on. So many emotions I can't express. Thoughts I have to fight back. Because if I only think of you, I feel immobile. My body and my brain. All consumed with the pain I feel inside. The pain I hide each day. In every moment. In every thought.

Perhaps it would be better to imagine your only just not here. Right beside me. But the yearning I have to hear your voice, the need to have you wrap me in those heroic and influential arms. The want to look you in the eyes and thank you for being more wonderful than you ever knew you were.

The world seems so dark without you. So empty. So meaningless. And each day I'm losing hope that I'll ever truly be happy again.

I wish I could just tell you about my day. It's so often I tell stories about you. How you inspired me. Helped me through a hard time. Or just helped me see what I could be. Live up to my potential.

I could never fathom losing you. I had no idea the amount of immense pain I would feel. The happy memories that would become something I couldn't shake.

It's been too long

I have so many thoughts scribbled down. Just things that come to mind. Pieces of a future blog. Happy memories. Sad thoughts. But, yesterday, the day that, just one year earlier, I lost my dad, nothing felt right. In fact, I had a hard time coming to grips with the fact that it had been an entire year since the last time I'd heard his voice. The last time he told me he loved me before he suddenly left this world.

Nothing can fill the hole in my heart and I miss him more and more each day. I haven't even begun to accept that I'll never again have a conversation with him. I can't call him to tell him about my day. His wisdom about life. His advice. His love. All things that I'm not sure how I'll live without.

So while many of my friends and family were there when we unwillingly said our last goodbyes to my dad, I realized I never posted my words from that day and I thought it might help me, as it always does, to just get it out there again.

Sometimes life is not fair. I've learned that this is the case more often than not. Sometimes things don't happen the way we've planned. Sometimes things just happen.

My dad always told me, mind over matter. If I didn't mind, it didn't matter. Well, dad, I don't think that works this time. You went too quickly. Too young. We truly weren't ready for this incredibly heartbreaking loss. This devastation that will forever change our lives. My life.

My father was a tremendous man and anyone who knew him would say no different.

To me, my dad was so many things.

When I was a child he was my hero. He could unlock the car without touching it. He could change the stoplight from red to green with a snap of his fingers. He was best buddies with Santa. And he was my biggest cheerleader.

And even after I learned about key-less entry car remotes, the technology in streetlights at intersections and the truth about Santa, he was still my protector. Always looking out for me and making sure no boys were going to break my heart. And after I learned that no man was going to be good enough for me in my dad's eyes, at least then, he was still my mentor. Showing me what it meant to work hard to get what you want out of life and helping me to make my own decisions to become the person I wanted to be.

And just when I thought I'd seen all of the roles this remarkable man would play in my life, he became something to me that I didn't know he could be, he became my friend.

It seems that each time I think about him, I remember something new that I'm going to miss about him.

Rocking out to The Temptations and the Four Tops in his car.

Him quoting Abbott and Costello bits as though it was some sort of astute piece of advice.

Him telling me I've outdone myself on my Sunday sauce.

His fashion advice before work in the morning.

Listening to him give my husband a hard time about being a Cowboys fan.

Listening to his great stories.

And his quick quips.

But, most of all, I'm going to miss his unconditional love. His never ending support. And his big hugs.

It is so hard to believe he's really gone. In fact, when I think about the loss of this great man, my father, I have this immense fear. How am I supposed to live my life without this man who I've depended on for the last nearly 30 years? There are so many things I still needed from him. Things I wanted to show him. Life experiences and moments that I wanted him to be there for. But I know deep down, that one day, maybe even soon, I'll be able to think of him and instead of tears, I'll be able to smile. To remember the incredible man that was my father. And I know that I'll be ok.

Because this man, my father. This incredibly strong, smart and loving man, taught me, by example, how to stand on my own. How to be my own person. How to work hard. How to love. How to survive. And I know that, even thought he can't really be here to teach me the rest of life's lessons, to guide me or to just give me one of his big bear hugs or a big smooch on my cheek, I know he will always be beside me.

My dad taught me so much about life. And now, I must continue to live my life remembering each of those things and hoping one day to be at least half the person that he was.

Dad, there are so many things I wish I could say to you right now. But, for now, I just need to tell you that we'll be ok. We'll smile again. We'll laugh. We'll remember. We'll survive. But not without thinking of you every second. Not without doing it in your honor. I love you.

Proud

Sometimes I wish you could tell me how proud you are of me. Does that seem selfish? Or is it just that I respected what you thought of me so much that it meant the world for you to say those simple words. I'm proud of you. 

It's hard to lose one of the few people in life who you feel truly understands you. Does that seem narcissistic? Why can't it be that maybe you felt that way about me too. I love you. 

I often wonder if there will ever be a truly happy moment in life. Am I being too cynical? Or does it just feel like life will be forever bittersweet. I miss you.